Azine Graff, PsyD

It seems to happen out of nowhere... you become the primary caregiver in the family.You're the one who chooses ideas for meals, picks out clothes and dresses the kids and takes them out on errands. You become their go-to parent for questions, ouchies, and so much more.
Before you know it, you feel exhausted and depleted, and you are wondering how this came to be. You wonder if biology had anything to do with your mental load or if this was society's influence on traditional masculine and feminine roles. You wonder how your egalitarian relationship took a turn once you had a child.
Many relationships continue in this way. Parents feel exhaustion and perhaps resentment, due to a lack of equanimity in the relationship.
But it doesn't have to stay like this. You can take some steps towards the life you pictured having. A life where you are working with your partner instead of feeling the weight of doing everything.

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Azine Graff, PsyD
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When we think of spending time with our children, we probably consider engaging in a scheduled or structured activity. We may even have back-to-back scheduled activities to fill our weekend, which can be exhausting for parent and child alike.

But then we’re missing out on a very different and important need when we over-schedule ourselves: The need for time together with no agenda.
It can be challenging to shift from being busy all the time to slowing down. It is a lot easier, in theory, to put away our phones, to say “no” to another birthday party, to postpone running errands, or to hold off on feeling productive.

As you begin to make room in your schedule for more free time with each other, you are investing in your child and your relationship, and it will pay off now and in the future.

This can look like sitting down to play with your child and allowing them to lead the play. The time you spend with them and follow their lead will help them feel empowered in their lives, give them a chance to feel in control over one aspect of their lives, and make them more likely to willfully follow your requests when they need to.

These moments that you spend playing, joking and laughing with your child also sends them a message--you are showing them that you love them, value them and enjoy their presence.
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Know that despite what they may say when they are distressed, they love you, respect you and enjoy being in connection with you. They might just struggle to show it at times, especially if they have no breaks and have a tough time transitioning between the several activities crammed into a day. But small changes can go along way.
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Azine Graff, PsyD

Anxiety is not always easy to spot in children, and since children are often still learning how to identify their emotions, they are not always able to verbalize what they are experiencing. What can make it even more challenging is that a child’s anxiety can overlap with symptoms of ADD/ADHD, as children with anxiety may also fidget, be forgetful or have difficulty concentrating. It is not uncommon for children with some form of anxiety to be misdiagnosed with ADD/ADHD.
Anxiety can also be disguised as irritability or defiance, which makes it all the more confusing for adults to spot.
Most of us have long forgotten the pressures that children face and the various scenarios that can spark worries—starting a new sport, taking a test, making a new friend, and answering the teacher’s question when called upon, to name a few. With a variety of factors coming into play, when a child does not know how to manage their emotions, they will likely exhibit their feeling through a behavior. They may act out and they may withdraw. They may look like they are angry, and even make harsh statements.
Children with anxiety may make statements that are code for something else. Here are eight common examples:
1. “I don’t want to go to bed” may mean “I am afraid of being alone in my bed.”
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Azine Graff, PsyD

It can be hard to consider hugging our child when they are acting out. There’s this fear of reinforcing the behavior, and so we have been taught to punish, remove toys, ignore the behavior, and respond with a poker face.
But consider a time when you had a rough day, snapped at your partner over something trivial, and all you felt you really needed to melt away the stress was a hug or some comfort.
Did you ask for a hug? If so, then what a gift you and your partner have to be vulnerable and communicate so openly. If you didn’t ask, think about why? Maybe what you needed did not even cross your mind. Maybe you were too heated and on the defense to ask.
When we are in a heated moment or feeling a surge of our emotions, it makes it much harder to think rationally. When considering our children and how they are developing their prefrontal lobe (the part that does a lot of the planning and decision-making), it then makes sense that they have much more difficulty in expressing themselves calmly when under stress.

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Azine Graff, PsyD
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​I got into the field of psychology because I wanted to help others, and this desire to help came from my ability to easily empathize. I never knew just how valuable empathy was as a parent until I started noticing the narration running through my mind as my daughter would cry, whine or scream.
I will be the first to admit that when I first became a parent I was not able to consistently use empathy. I was anxious and frustrated that I could not figure out how to help my very tearful (and reportedly colicky) baby during those first few months, and every time I thought I had the parenting routine down, developmental changes made me shift everything.

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